Do you have a talent for recognizing the different contexts that inform conversations taking place in your community?
For example, consider the results of asking a group of 5 people to each share their personal all-time low in life. You might ask, “What is the worst thing to ever happen to you?” It’s likely that the resulting answers will be very different. If each individual is self-aware and honest, you’ll discover a spectrum from obviously harsh physical circumstances to wholly psychological events.
The child who watched her parents die, the rape victim, and the parent who drove drunk and killed a child have stories that are obviously horrible. But what of the woman who says her most horrific memory is that of not receiving a pony for her 13th birthday? What of the man who is still furious that his parents didn’t allow him to attend the school of his choice?
In light of the first three stories, it’s easy to discount the last two as being of lesser importance. That is a big mistake if you have any interest in really understanding where all five people are coming from. Why? Because we each think within a context that is limited to a sliding scale of our personal experiences and those of the people we completely trust.
(I include the experiences of those we trust so long as that trust is complete. Otherwise, the lack of full sensory experience creates yet another disconnect.)
We may give lip service to understanding others and say that we grasp how difficult something must be for them or why they feel a certain way, but the reality is less coherent.
When somebody responds to your words in an unexpected way, remember that they bring a unique set of experiences and habits to the table. Instead of writing them off for being a prude, histrionic, or stupid, why not ask them to explain a bit of the context that informs their reactions?
Active listening and the agile pursuit of understanding are essential to fostering a community that digs beneath the surface clutter of cheerful mindlessness and yearns to think, to discuss, and–most importantly–to act.
image: child