Simonds Media

“It seems like we’re just pooling our ignorance.” – My mother on healthcare reform

How often do you participate in conversations that involve a lot of talking but very little in the way of real facts? For most of us, the answer is, unfortunately, “far too often.”

These conversations survive and even thrive (especially in social media) because it is considered impolite to ask questions that might break up the flow of conversation. If you are not familiar with what I am talking about, wait until a friend begins a sentence with “Well, they say” and ask your friend who exactly “they” is. Your question will most likely stall the conversation and one or both of you will awkwardly introduce a new topic.

Over time, we develop such a fear of those awkward transitions and stalled conversations that we end up caring more about how a conversation is running than we do about where it is heading. Rushing to speak leads to speaking without thinking. When you take thoughtful consideration of facts and ideas out of a conversation, you are left only with inflection, emotion, and ego. It should be no surprise that such conversations quickly lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and unneeded arguments.

How can we move away from empty conversations and toward interactions that carry weight and create lasting value?

Three suggestions:

• Search online – If you have internet access, there is absolutely no reason why you should entertain a long conversation about the validity of one supposed fact over another. Instead of debating the gestation period of African elephants, Bing it.
• Practice humility – If you are not certain of your facts, admit it! Letting others know that you are aware of what you know for sure and what they can comfortably question frees the conversation to go in new and interesting directions.
• Shift from concrete to abstract – If you cannot remember or find the necessary facts to carry a conversation, consider moving the discussion away from specific facts and toward broad concepts. Instead of discussing OJ Simpson’s murder trial, (of which you remember very little) have a conversation about how justice is redefined by pop culture ideology.

It may not be fun to stop in the middle of a conversation to clarify a point or look up a fact, but the results are certainly (in my estimation) worthwhile.

If you firmly believe that using profanity and hurling sarcasm during public discussions is the only way to reveal your authentic self, you’ve got a long row to hoe. Why?

Because heavy use of sarcasm and profanity is not an effective way to build trust.

You might seem like a good person to have a beer with. You might even seem more relatable for your off-color remarks and frequent use of profanity. That said, my cousin Jeff* is a relatable guy I’m sure you’d like to have a beer with. He’s a master of snark and laces every comment with “choice” words and quick jabs. Jeff is also the last person I’d recommend to present your new business plan to a roomful of investors.

Always keep that roomful of investors in mind. In this new media world of Flip cams and Youtube, Google Alerts and Twitter, every word you say in public (and many you say in private) becomes part of your presentation to potential investors. Those investors aren’t just deciding if they want to invest money into your business concept. They are contemplating the possibility that you, as a person, are worthy of their trust.

5 things to remember about authenticity and building trust:

1. Every person you come in contact with is a potential trust-investor. When you earn a person’s trust, you’ll begin to enjoy the perks of trust. Conversations, recommendations, inspiration, and financial involvement are all benefits of well-earned trust.
2. Profanity is a spice, not a main course. Yes, some people eat habanero peppers with abandon, but they are few and far between. Your best bet is to entertain with thoughtful “dishes” and let others bring their own spice. When it comes to the culinary art of conversations, we each have a different idea of perfection.
3. Sarcasm can’t replace true wit and a bright sense of humor. In the economics of intellect, sarcasm is an inferior good. As consumers (your potential trust-investors) experience an increase in good taste, they require less sarcasm in favor of open communication. Leap to the front and start with open communication.
4. It’s possible to be authentic without being caustic. In the words of many wise people and their copycats, “be yourself, but be your best self”. It is tempting to use harsh words because they get a quick and energetic response. Don’t give in to the temptation! Put the time and effort into building thoughtful, productive conversations. The long-term benefits make up for the lack of instant sparks. 
5. You can be relatable without pandering to the lowest common denominator. The joke your friends thought oh-so-funny at the bar last night? It’s probably not that funny and if sharing it today does nothing to sustain or improve your general point, you’ve just wasted time and squandered the precious attention of your audience.

In your rush to be more authentic, don’t forget to show us your positive, uplifting, innovative side. If anybody complains about you slacking in the negativity category, feel free to tell them it’s all my fault. =)

Think of somebody you consider to be truly authentic. What about that person sets him/her apart from the rest?

*Jeff is a fictional name intended to protect the guilty

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Ever wonder why so many of the things you work so hard to do for your partner, family, and customers seem to go unnoticed and unappreciated?

People, by definition, are unable to show gratitude for things they don’t care about.

Consider the example of the hardworking parent and seemingly apathetic teenager: The parent has a list of things she works very hard to provide for her child. Let’s call these things “care points.” For the parent, care points are things like a house to live in, food to eat, transportation, and access to education. The teenager has a very different set of care points. In many cases, the teen cares most about status, social interactions, and a murky pool of worries that plague youth today. Neither parent nor teen is being intentionally unappreciative. They simply care about very different things.

It follows logic that such a disconnect would result in a parent who feels like she’s expending energy into a black hole while the teenager feels ignored.

What’s the fix? Make a point to recognize the disconnect between care points and find other ways to connect in a satisfying way.

For the parent, learning to actively listen to the teenager can do a lot to move the relationship in a positive direction.

For the teen, avoiding statements like, “This house is a hell hole!” and completing household chores promptly can do a lot to alleviate seemingly draconian parenting techniques.

For the business, you’d do well to stop reacting to your competition and focus instead on meeting your customers’ needs in ways they truly care about.

Or you could continue providing your partners, families, and customers with things only you care about and gripe about how ungrateful they are for all your work.

Your choice.

Do you have a talent for recognizing the different contexts that inform conversations taking place in your community?

For example, consider the results of asking a group of 5 people to each share their personal all-time low in life. You might ask, “What is the worst thing to ever happen to you?” It’s likely that the resulting answers will be very different. If each individual is self-aware and honest, you’ll discover a spectrum from obviously harsh physical circumstances to wholly psychological events.

The child who watched her parents die, the rape victim, and the parent who drove drunk and killed a child have stories that are obviously horrible. But what of the woman who says her most horrific memory is that of not receiving a pony for her 13th birthday? What of the man who is still furious that his parents didn’t allow him to attend the school of his choice?

In light of the first three stories, it’s easy to discount the last two as being of lesser importance. That is a big mistake if you have any interest in really understanding where all five people are coming from. Why? Because we each think within a context that is limited to a sliding scale of our personal experiences and those of the people we completely trust.

(I include the experiences of those we trust so long as that trust is complete. Otherwise, the lack of full sensory experience creates yet another disconnect.)

We may give lip service to understanding others and say that we grasp how difficult something must be for them or why they feel a certain way, but the reality is less coherent.

When somebody responds to your words in an unexpected way, remember that they bring a unique set of experiences and habits to the table. Instead of writing them off for being a prude, histrionic, or stupid, why not ask them to explain a bit of the context that informs their reactions?

Active listening and the agile pursuit of understanding are essential to fostering a community that digs beneath the surface clutter of cheerful mindlessness and yearns to think, to discuss, and–most importantly–to act.

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